- Don't get lost in thought; you'll be a total stranger there.
- I know you have to be somebody, but why do you have to be you?
- If you stop telling lies about me, I'll stop telling the truth about you.
- I wish I had a lower I.Q., so that I could enjoy your company.
- My I have the pleasure of you absence?
- You have an open mind, and a mouth to match.
- There's only one thing that keeps me from breaking you in half, I don't want two of you around.
- I notice that you never let an idea interrupt the flow of your conversation.
- tell me, as an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
- Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...
- Folk clap when they see you...but they clap their hands over their eyes.
- All day I thought of you....I was at the zoo.
Monday, July 25, 2011
;)
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Annoying movie-goers
- every gunshot, scream "hit the floor" and jump down
- Shout "look behind you!" at the actors
- Repeat each line of dialogue after the actors have said it.
- Eat the person next to you's popcorn
- Go "Ooooooooooh" whenever someone kisses
- Tell the person next to you useless facts about Italian Salami
- Go to a horror movie and scream at every minor thing.
- Go to the early show. Sit next to the only other person there. Smile.
- scream at the scary parts about a min after they happen
- bring a fake arrow and during the battle scenes yell out "i've been hit"
- Clap and cheer when the good guys gets killed
Ordering pizza CAN be fun!
- Start the conversation with "My call to (Pizza Place), take one... and... ACTION!
- Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
- If they repeat the order to verify it, say "OK. Your total comes to $10.99. Please pull up to the window.
- Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)?" When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When finally offered proof that they are really (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
- Start the conversation by reciting the date and time, and saying, "This may be my last entry."
- When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. Repeat this nested loop until asked to stop, then explain that you got "stuck."
- When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
- When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
ELEVATORS- funniest places in the world
- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
- Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."
- When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
- Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
- Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"
- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
- Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
- Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
- Tell people that you can see their aura.
- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
- While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
Fun at the MALL
- Try pants on backwards. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
- Go down the up escalator and start yelling angrily when you realize that you aren't moving.
- Take things from people's carts and see if they notice.
- Go to a vending machine and order a can of soda. Then take it out, shake it up, and leave it in the machine and wait until someone comes.
- Go to a clothing store and buy clothes that is for the opposite gender and is 10x too big for you. Return it in 20 minutes, saying that you weren't quite "feeling it".
- Find a bench with someone sitting on it. Sit on the opposite end as them. Slowly inch your way closer to them until your touching them.
- Go near a bathroom and then ask someone where it is. When they point it out to you, give them a dirty look and walk away.
- Ask if a particular saw cuts through bone.
- Buy a bunch of clothes. Return them later, and when the salesperson asks why, say "they didn't look good on my dog"
- Pose as a dummy in a department store.
More things to do to make SCHOOL more interesting
- Walk backwards and when you bump into someone yell, “Watch where you’re going! Geez!”
- Pretend to fall asleep and when anyone touches you or talks to you, ‘wake up’ and yell, “Can’t anyone get some decent sleep around here?”
- Run into walls and apologize to them.
- Every time you see one of your friends, shout, “Hello!” really loudly from across the room.
- Say serious things in a sarcastic tone and sarcastic things in a serious tone.
- Bring in a metal cup with some change in it and start clanging it around as if you’re a beggar.
- Hand out detention slips to people you dislike while wearing a band labeled “Detention
Monitor - Grin broadly and say, “I didn’t take my
medication today! - Draw a stick figure and ask your art teacher, “Isn’t it beyootiful?”
- Have conversations with yourself.
- Dance to your classes.
- Bring a Glad product to school and whenever someone gets mad at you, say, “Don’t get mad! Get Glad!” Then hold up the Glad product.
- Randomly shout, “Are we there yet?”
- Run down the halls screaming, “Bob is coming! BOB IS COMING!
- Stare at someone and if/when they stare back at you, yell, “Staring is extremely impolite!
would like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I'm afraid they'll be used against me in a court of law someday.
you're one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.
When life gives you a lemon, say 'Lemons? I like lemons. What else have you got?'
You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
It takes SKILL to trip over flat surfaces.
There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and
~Brad Ramsey
you're one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.
When life gives you a lemon, say 'Lemons? I like lemons. What else have you got?'
You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
It takes SKILL to trip over flat surfaces.
There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and
~Brad Ramsey
The human race is lucky I'm a nice guy, otherwise only 1/4 of them would be alive right now.( jk guys don't freak out)
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking
We're all given some sort of skill in life. Mine just happens to be beating up on people.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much. You're not that good.
How to make SCHOOL more interesting
1.After the teacher explains something, laugh really loud and say “Oh, now I get it!”
2.After the teacher has explained something, say “Quite right, old bean” in the typical old english style.
3.Sing your questions to the class.
4.When the teacher calls roll, after each name scream “THAT’S MEEEEE!!! Oh, no, sorry.”
5.Ask for an extra copy of each handout, for your invisible friend sitting next to you.
6.Laugh loudly at everything the teacher says. Be sure to snort and make weird noises while you laugh.
7.At a completely random time, put up your hand to ask a question. When the teacher picks you, ask a question about a different subject and pretend you thought it was that class.
8.While the teacher is writing, hide the board rubber. When he/she goes to get somebody (like the principal), replace it in the same place & make him/her look insane.
10.Ask questions while trying not to use any nouns or make any sense. ex: I have a question: When you said that we should get that thing over there with the stuff on it, did you mean the thing that, you know, had the stuff with the (mumbles) . . . over there. . . .Well, do you?
11.While taking a test, get up about halfway through and point at the teacher or someone random and scream “You ruined christmas” and then storm out of the room, slamming the door on your way out.
12.Repeat everything the teacher says right after him/her to confirm that you agree. When they ask you to stop, say “but I love you so much!!”
13.When the teacher turns his/her attention to you and calls you to answer the question, act as if you’re an undercover agent and refuse to give information.
14.Just randomly stand up excitedly and yell some random comment towards the teacher. Like, “I like your pants!” in a dandy, yet excited and confident manner. Then just sit down as if nothing ever happened.
15.Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
2.After the teacher has explained something, say “Quite right, old bean” in the typical old english style.
3.Sing your questions to the class.
4.When the teacher calls roll, after each name scream “THAT’S MEEEEE!!! Oh, no, sorry.”
5.Ask for an extra copy of each handout, for your invisible friend sitting next to you.
6.Laugh loudly at everything the teacher says. Be sure to snort and make weird noises while you laugh.
7.At a completely random time, put up your hand to ask a question. When the teacher picks you, ask a question about a different subject and pretend you thought it was that class.
8.While the teacher is writing, hide the board rubber. When he/she goes to get somebody (like the principal), replace it in the same place & make him/her look insane.
10.Ask questions while trying not to use any nouns or make any sense. ex: I have a question: When you said that we should get that thing over there with the stuff on it, did you mean the thing that, you know, had the stuff with the (mumbles) . . . over there. . . .Well, do you?
11.While taking a test, get up about halfway through and point at the teacher or someone random and scream “You ruined christmas” and then storm out of the room, slamming the door on your way out.
12.Repeat everything the teacher says right after him/her to confirm that you agree. When they ask you to stop, say “but I love you so much!!”
13.When the teacher turns his/her attention to you and calls you to answer the question, act as if you’re an undercover agent and refuse to give information.
14.Just randomly stand up excitedly and yell some random comment towards the teacher. Like, “I like your pants!” in a dandy, yet excited and confident manner. Then just sit down as if nothing ever happened.
15.Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.
You never learn anything by doing it right.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
who ever said that nothing was impossible obviously never tried slaming a revolving door
when i get home at night i look up at the sky and talk to the stars pretending its you. it acts just like you though, very far away and never responds to anything i say.
“As i grow older, i pay less attention to what people say…i just watch what they do.”
Whoever said "the freaks come out at night" has obviously never been to Walmart during the day.
Half-way through eating a horse and realized…I’m not as hungry as i thought…
Dear maths…!! Please grow up and solve your problems yourself!!!(Gonna use this on Ms. G)
You never learn anything by doing it right.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
who ever said that nothing was impossible obviously never tried slaming a revolving door
when i get home at night i look up at the sky and talk to the stars pretending its you. it acts just like you though, very far away and never responds to anything i say.
“As i grow older, i pay less attention to what people say…i just watch what they do.”
Whoever said "the freaks come out at night" has obviously never been to Walmart during the day.
Half-way through eating a horse and realized…I’m not as hungry as i thought…
Dear maths…!! Please grow up and solve your problems yourself!!!(Gonna use this on Ms. G)
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Ive always wanted to say this...
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
You know that whole walking-away-in-slow-motion thing that heroes do in movies when something is exploding? I tried that today. Really wish I hadn't. Really, really wish I hadn't.
went to the store to get "Where's Waldo?" but couldn't find it. Well played, Waldo.
Honestly, "Writers of Scooby Doo"...do you think that in real life, when a person gets scared, they say "Zoinks"?
"Don’t be so humble - you are not that great."
- Golda Meir
Of course, it’s very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.
Who says I’m not in shape? Round’s a shape, isn’t it?
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.
Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.
I’m impressed, I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
Well my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems
“I’d insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn’t understand and if I tried to explain it to you, your brain might implode from information overload.”
I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.
silence is golden.
duct tape is silver.
Sarcasm is anger’s evil cousin.
-Anger Management
Some say the grass isn’t always greener on the other side….I say……. depends on where you live.
Excuse me, and pardon my interruption, but would you mind considering helping me to find out what makes you so repulsive!
Son: you look great for your age
Mother: Oh yeah, how old do you think i am heres hint it begins with a three
Son: I GOT IT 300!
*People say that laughter is the best medicine…
your face must be curing the world!*
Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.
Sarcasm isn’t the lowest form of wit. It’s not even wit at all.
You have no one to blame but yourself…Unless some other guy is standing next to you then you can blame him.
I’m smiling…that alone should scare you.
You: oh my gosh have you been here all the while?
Me: no…i just returned from a trip to mars….wanna accompany me next time?
Here let me drop whats imprortant to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs.
What did I do to give you the impression I actually care about what you think?
You: “what are you wearing to the halloween party?”
Me: ” I don’t know.”
You: “We should go as each other!”
Me: “Fine with me . . . At least I’ll win the scariest costume award.”
Oh… I didn’t tell you….. Then It must be none of your business.
Tell me .. is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
Tact is for people not witty enough to be sarcastic.
I’m definitely a morning person but often choose to sleep straight through it.
"I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
“It’s in the phone book.”
“But I don’t know your name.”
“That’s in the phone book too.”
I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
Time flies when I’m with you… well, it’s because I zone out mostly.
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.
My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.
You have a very strong grasp of the obvious.
When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.
Find your patience before I lose mine.
If it's true that you are what you eat...then I'd like to eat a very skinny person.
You don't have to like me, I'm not a facebook status.
A girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on someones feet
Girl: Sorry, did that hurt?
Someone: No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia why don’t you try again.
Mom: You cant have a coke now!
Kid: Why not?
Mom: Because it’s bad for you this early in the morning.
Kid: Well how does the coke know it’s morning?
Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, and the highest form of intelligence.
You: Do you want a piece of my mind?!
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t take the last piece.
You: OMG did you just fall.?
Me: No the ground just came up and smacked me in my face.!
If you don’t want a sarcastic answer don’t ask stupid questions!
Tell me how I have upset you, because I want to know how to do it again.
Me- “What time is it?”
You- “There’s a clock right there.”
Me- “Did i ask you where the clock was!?”
You: “Are you kidding me?”
Me: “Yes, I’m serious”
Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.
I don’t know what you’re problem is. . . But I’m pretty sure it’s hard to pronounce.
3 A.M. Phone call… Hey are you asleep?… No I’m sky diving!
See this hand?
It’s going to descend in an arc that will, in the process, have contact with your face. Just warning you.
Question: Do you know who I am????
Answer: No, Why? Have you forgotten?
So did you choose today to humiliate yourself in public?
The movie was awesome!! My favorite part was when it ended.
Dear Children, When you look in your closet, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
You’re right, violence is not the solution; it’s just part of the equation.
I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again.
I never repeat myself.
There’s a fine like between being tanned, and looking like you rolled in Doritos.
You are about as useful as a white crayon.
Patience is not a virtue, it is a waste of time.
I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.
no’one is perfect,
well then im no’one
It is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.
when life gives you lemons…throw them over your shoulder and look for an orange
Hating me wont make you pretty!
You cry, I cry, ….you laugh, I laugh…you jump off a cliff i laugh even harder!!
**when life gives you lemons.. squirt it in your enemies eyes!!***
Everybody wishes they could go to heaven but no one wants to die.
Why do people say life is short? Live the longest thing you could ever do…
THINK its not illegal yet
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
Never steal.
The government hates competition
Come to the Darkside….,
We have cookies you can chuck at people!
to learn you must make mistakes; when you make a mistake you often will get in trouble. So then why do teachers punish you when you get into trouble if you are only learning, which is exactly what they want you to do?
i plan on using this to make my last year at UPA more interesting.
Thats all for now folks!>
If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
You know that whole walking-away-in-slow-motion thing that heroes do in movies when something is exploding? I tried that today. Really wish I hadn't. Really, really wish I hadn't.
went to the store to get "Where's Waldo?" but couldn't find it. Well played, Waldo.
Honestly, "Writers of Scooby Doo"...do you think that in real life, when a person gets scared, they say "Zoinks"?
"Don’t be so humble - you are not that great."
- Golda Meir
Of course, it’s very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.
Who says I’m not in shape? Round’s a shape, isn’t it?
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.
Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.
I’m impressed, I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
Well my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems
“I’d insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn’t understand and if I tried to explain it to you, your brain might implode from information overload.”
I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.
silence is golden.
duct tape is silver.
Sarcasm is anger’s evil cousin.
-Anger Management
Some say the grass isn’t always greener on the other side….I say……. depends on where you live.
Excuse me, and pardon my interruption, but would you mind considering helping me to find out what makes you so repulsive!
Son: you look great for your age
Mother: Oh yeah, how old do you think i am heres hint it begins with a three
Son: I GOT IT 300!
*People say that laughter is the best medicine…
your face must be curing the world!*
Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.
Sarcasm isn’t the lowest form of wit. It’s not even wit at all.
You have no one to blame but yourself…Unless some other guy is standing next to you then you can blame him.
I’m smiling…that alone should scare you.
You: oh my gosh have you been here all the while?
Me: no…i just returned from a trip to mars….wanna accompany me next time?
Here let me drop whats imprortant to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs.
What did I do to give you the impression I actually care about what you think?
You: “what are you wearing to the halloween party?”
Me: ” I don’t know.”
You: “We should go as each other!”
Me: “Fine with me . . . At least I’ll win the scariest costume award.”
Oh… I didn’t tell you….. Then It must be none of your business.
Tell me .. is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
Tact is for people not witty enough to be sarcastic.
I’m definitely a morning person but often choose to sleep straight through it.
"I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
“It’s in the phone book.”
“But I don’t know your name.”
“That’s in the phone book too.”
I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
Time flies when I’m with you… well, it’s because I zone out mostly.
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.
My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.
You have a very strong grasp of the obvious.
When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.
Find your patience before I lose mine.
If it's true that you are what you eat...then I'd like to eat a very skinny person.
You don't have to like me, I'm not a facebook status.
A girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on someones feet
Girl: Sorry, did that hurt?
Someone: No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia why don’t you try again.
Mom: You cant have a coke now!
Kid: Why not?
Mom: Because it’s bad for you this early in the morning.
Kid: Well how does the coke know it’s morning?
Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, and the highest form of intelligence.
You: Do you want a piece of my mind?!
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t take the last piece.
You: OMG did you just fall.?
Me: No the ground just came up and smacked me in my face.!
If you don’t want a sarcastic answer don’t ask stupid questions!
Tell me how I have upset you, because I want to know how to do it again.
Me- “What time is it?”
You- “There’s a clock right there.”
Me- “Did i ask you where the clock was!?”
You: “Are you kidding me?”
Me: “Yes, I’m serious”
Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.
I don’t know what you’re problem is. . . But I’m pretty sure it’s hard to pronounce.
3 A.M. Phone call… Hey are you asleep?… No I’m sky diving!
See this hand?
It’s going to descend in an arc that will, in the process, have contact with your face. Just warning you.
Question: Do you know who I am????
Answer: No, Why? Have you forgotten?
So did you choose today to humiliate yourself in public?
The movie was awesome!! My favorite part was when it ended.
Dear Children, When you look in your closet, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
You’re right, violence is not the solution; it’s just part of the equation.
I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again.
I never repeat myself.
There’s a fine like between being tanned, and looking like you rolled in Doritos.
You are about as useful as a white crayon.
Patience is not a virtue, it is a waste of time.
I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.
no’one is perfect,
well then im no’one
It is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.
when life gives you lemons…throw them over your shoulder and look for an orange
Hating me wont make you pretty!
You cry, I cry, ….you laugh, I laugh…you jump off a cliff i laugh even harder!!
**when life gives you lemons.. squirt it in your enemies eyes!!***
Everybody wishes they could go to heaven but no one wants to die.
Why do people say life is short? Live the longest thing you could ever do…
THINK its not illegal yet
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
Never steal.
The government hates competition
Come to the Darkside….,
We have cookies you can chuck at people!
to learn you must make mistakes; when you make a mistake you often will get in trouble. So then why do teachers punish you when you get into trouble if you are only learning, which is exactly what they want you to do?
i plan on using this to make my last year at UPA more interesting.
Thats all for now folks!>
You are a "glass is half full" kinda gal. Too bad it's chipped... and cracked... and it really doesn't look very clean... and would it kill you to add a slice of lemon? Sheesh.
"Swiper, No Swiping" ("talk to the hand" for toddlers)
never wants to go to bed, yet I never want to wake up in the morning.
Why can't my "late night" self make some kind of compromise with my "early morning have-to-go-to school" self?
TODAY I was bored so I said "Wow, that's a weird place to put a piano." You wouldn't believe how many people looked around for a piano. I was in an elevator.
That moment when your parents tell you to stay in the line when you’re shopping, and when you’re almost near the cashier, they’re not even back yet, so you start freaking out.
:O
You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music.
Never trust a quiet toddler.
"Swiper, No Swiping" ("talk to the hand" for toddlers)
never wants to go to bed, yet I never want to wake up in the morning.
Why can't my "late night" self make some kind of compromise with my "early morning have-to-go-to school" self?
TODAY I was bored so I said "Wow, that's a weird place to put a piano." You wouldn't believe how many people looked around for a piano. I was in an elevator.
That moment when your parents tell you to stay in the line when you’re shopping, and when you’re almost near the cashier, they’re not even back yet, so you start freaking out.
:O
You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music.
Never trust a quiet toddler.
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