Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
You know that whole walking-away-in-slow-motion thing that heroes do in movies when something is exploding? I tried that today. Really wish I hadn't. Really, really wish I hadn't.
went to the store to get "Where's Waldo?" but couldn't find it. Well played, Waldo.
Honestly, "Writers of Scooby Doo"...do you think that in real life, when a person gets scared, they say "Zoinks"?
"Don’t be so humble - you are not that great."
- Golda Meir
Of course, it’s very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.
Who says I’m not in shape? Round’s a shape, isn’t it?
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.
Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.
I’m impressed, I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
Well my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems
“I’d insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn’t understand and if I tried to explain it to you, your brain might implode from information overload.”
I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.
silence is golden.
duct tape is silver.
Sarcasm is anger’s evil cousin.
Some say the grass isn’t always greener on the other side….I say……. depends on where you live.
Excuse me, and pardon my interruption, but would you mind considering helping me to find out what makes you so repulsive!
Son: you look great for your age
Mother: Oh yeah, how old do you think i am heres hint it begins with a three
Son: I GOT IT 300!
*People say that laughter is the best medicine…
your face must be curing the world!*
Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.
Sarcasm isn’t the lowest form of wit. It’s not even wit at all.
You have no one to blame but yourself…Unless some other guy is standing next to you then you can blame him.
I’m smiling…that alone should scare you.
You: oh my gosh have you been here all the while?
Me: no…i just returned from a trip to mars….wanna accompany me next time?
Here let me drop whats imprortant to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs.
What did I do to give you the impression I actually care about what you think?
You: “what are you wearing to the halloween party?”
Me: ” I don’t know.”
You: “We should go as each other!”
Me: “Fine with me . . . At least I’ll win the scariest costume award.”
Oh… I didn’t tell you….. Then It must be none of your business.
Tell me .. is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
Tact is for people not witty enough to be sarcastic.
I’m definitely a morning person but often choose to sleep straight through it.
"I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
“It’s in the phone book.”
“But I don’t know your name.”
“That’s in the phone book too.”
I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
Time flies when I’m with you… well, it’s because I zone out mostly.
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.
My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.
You have a very strong grasp of the obvious.
When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.
Find your patience before I lose mine.
If it's true that you are what you eat...then I'd like to eat a very skinny person.
You don't have to like me, I'm not a facebook status.
A girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on someones feet
Girl: Sorry, did that hurt?
Someone: No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia why don’t you try again.
Mom: You cant have a coke now!
Kid: Why not?
Mom: Because it’s bad for you this early in the morning.
Kid: Well how does the coke know it’s morning?
Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, and the highest form of intelligence.
You: Do you want a piece of my mind?!
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t take the last piece.
You: OMG did you just fall.?
Me: No the ground just came up and smacked me in my face.!
If you don’t want a sarcastic answer don’t ask stupid questions!
Tell me how I have upset you, because I want to know how to do it again.
Me- “What time is it?”
You- “There’s a clock right there.”
Me- “Did i ask you where the clock was!?”
You: “Are you kidding me?”
Me: “Yes, I’m serious”
Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.
I don’t know what you’re problem is. . . But I’m pretty sure it’s hard to pronounce.
3 A.M. Phone call… Hey are you asleep?… No I’m sky diving!
See this hand?
It’s going to descend in an arc that will, in the process, have contact with your face. Just warning you.
Question: Do you know who I am????
Answer: No, Why? Have you forgotten?
So did you choose today to humiliate yourself in public?
The movie was awesome!! My favorite part was when it ended.
Dear Children, When you look in your closet, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
You’re right, violence is not the solution; it’s just part of the equation.
I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again.
I never repeat myself.
There’s a fine like between being tanned, and looking like you rolled in Doritos.
You are about as useful as a white crayon.
Patience is not a virtue, it is a waste of time.
I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.
no’one is perfect,
well then im no’one
It is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.
when life gives you lemons…throw them over your shoulder and look for an orange
Hating me wont make you pretty!
You cry, I cry, ….you laugh, I laugh…you jump off a cliff i laugh even harder!!
**when life gives you lemons.. squirt it in your enemies eyes!!***
Everybody wishes they could go to heaven but no one wants to die.
Why do people say life is short? Live the longest thing you could ever do…
THINK its not illegal yet
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
The government hates competition
Come to the Darkside….,
We have cookies you can chuck at people!
to learn you must make mistakes; when you make a mistake you often will get in trouble. So then why do teachers punish you when you get into trouble if you are only learning, which is exactly what they want you to do?
i plan on using this to make my last year at UPA more interesting.
Thats all for now folks!>